Heading to the future with a view from the past.

So I have joined The Gwyddonic Order. I feel like I have come home and it is such a feeling of freedom.

Funny thing about going into something new tho, it makes one look at where they have been. For as fucked up as my life has been in the last year and a bit, I keep going back to when I was an addict. Must still have some issues to work out there I guess. I think after I kicked I just pushed it back into a deep dark hole and never really examined it. Now it is screaming at me to deal with. Kinda like the last hurdle in the path of moving forward. More to come on that.

The Most Important Relationship

Much of my life has been a chaotic gong show. Much of that has been my own fault, though 99% of the time I got to those “gong” moments with the best of intentions but they, well, just didn’t end up the way I intended. So along the way I learned to blame. Not blame everything on someone else but I found ways to share the blame. My wife, boss, family, the government, the kids, fate, gods, – whatever seemed to fit. Maybe from time to time they even all had a share in the blame. But in the end looking at their share, be it real or imagined, harmed my relationship with them all. Tho as far as the government I could really give 2 flying farts in a fucktree about my relationship with them. But that is not really the point here.

I was doing the worst thing I could do. I was denying the most important relationship of all. The one I have with me. See, I used to know things. I used to know how I worked, knew how I felt about life, love, and those things I held dear to me. I trusted explicitly how I felt about those things. I did not believe those things, I knew them. But somewhere along the line I quit. I filled my life with bitterness, anger, hatred and a willingness to let anyone else do it all for me if they wanted. Those were things I knew before too. They were all part of the balance that was me. But I let them take over. Soon I was someone that my kids no longer felt good around, my wife felt uncomfortable around. But that was not all my fault was it? No no no – it was theirs cause they did just not understand the stress I was under right? Soon I jumped right on that ride and well I guess the missus does not love me, oh lookie there- there is someone that “understands me”. Well you need no great imagination to see where that led. That path was destruction. Destruction of my greatest love and of myself. Now while my wife has generously decided to stay with my sorry ass that relationship will never get past so many of the new walls in it until I do this. Fix me. Fis my relationship with me.

I began about 18 months ago a journey. A journey into me. To find what I knew, even though I had no idea thats what I was looking for. That may be good cause I found nothing. I found that everything I had once known was now a mystery. The anger, bitterness and hatred were still there and they were tangible but yet I no longer knew them. Slowly I have come to a place where I am willing to look outside of myself for what I may learn and then know. For from this knowledge I can reclaim the person I once was, with new wisdom and new strength. Better layers. This I compare to the flight of a hawk, the slow circling and examining.

 

Its all kunitsurati.

In The Beginning

Long I have searched for answers to millions of questions regarding my own spirituality. For many many years I was held back by fear, a fear based in the fundamentalist Christian religion I was raised in. Now before I go any further let me be clear on one thing. Nowhere in this blog will you find any hatred or denouncing of Christians and their right to their belief. How can I expect them to respect and show tolerance towards my ever changing beliefs if I cannot show the same to theirs? You may find frustration at what this upbringing has drilled into my head, the walls it created that are so hard to tear down to move forward. But that is a religion, not the fault of their God or thier Saviour. I often think that their Deities must be so frustrated with what the religions built in their name have become.

But I digress. From childhood I felt like there was so much more than what I was being taught. Like it was just a little corner piece on the map of What All Is – what I think of as the Divine. I find myself now at a place in life and in Spirit where I am ready to start walking forward. Up off of my hands and knees, out of a crawl and into movement with a purpose.

About the name Kunitsurati. It actually started as a joke a few years ago. I had some friends into the martial arts and each would tell me and show me different things from them. Almost like religion each thought that their way was probably better. Now in my youth I was a bit of a street fighter and learned the Martial Art of – do what you have to do to survive the fight LOL. So I jokingly came up with Kunitsurati -the idea of blending some movement and techique from various martial arts with street fighting sensibility. I find the concept applies well to the journey of spirituality as well. So, since I think one of the greatest gifts the Divine gave us is humour, I with tongue firmly planted in cheek have named my Journey Kunitsurati!